First
off, I would like to point out that PREGNANCY BOOKS LIE! It isn’t their fault.
If they told you the UGLY truth, you wouldn’t buy it! Since I don’t have that
problem, I see no point in not telling you all the wonderful things I learned
in the 4, yes 4, times I have gone through it.
1.
Morning sickness is not just in the mornings.
Yes I know, it seems a little miss leading being called MORNING sickness and
all, but it will strike day or night, with no rhyme or reason to it. You can be
walking along minding your own business and then BAM you smelled something unpleasant
and have now vomited all over the baby clothes department. They will tell you “don’t worry by the end of
the 1st trimester it will pass”.
That is the biggest load of crap. They just tell you that so you don’t
off yourself when the hormones have you in their clutches and you haven’t felt
like living in months. You will hold on to that hope that TOMORROW will be the
day that the “anytime day or night whenever it is least convenient sickness”
will be gone for good and that maternal glow you had heard so much about can
finally show up. I waited for that day
to come, it never did. I had “anytime day or night whenever it is least
convenient sickness” up until the time all 4 of my kids were born. Literally,
on the delivery table puking my guts out. My day never came; I hope you are
more fortunate then I.
2.
I found my maternal glow, and came to realize it
was really just oily skin. I had FLAWLESS beautiful porcelain skin, the kind
that makes everyone jealous. I had never suffered from acne. If I had one red
bump, I thought my face was falling apart, and then I got pregnant. My beautiful skin turned on me and I didn’t
know what to do! I had dry skin and oily skin, I had acne and if I tried to
treat it my skin would dry out and I would resemble a scale covered snake.
Maternal Glow, HA!
3.
When you get pregnant you wait with bated breath
for that moment you will feel those first tiny flutters, and they are amazing! Then you feel that first healthy kick and are
in pure bliss. How could it possibly get any better?! It can’t. Relish those
moments now, because before you know it you will be walking around with your
hand pushing your little bundle down praying they would stop prying your ribs
apart. Then they drop and you can breathe again! With the comes the realization
that you can now not stray farther then 20 ft from a bathroom at any given time
and will from that point forward be walking around feeling like you are holding
a bowling ball between your legs. By the way, don’t sneeze, nothing good will
come from it.
4. You
have made it through the pregnancy and are now at the finish line. You have
read in all the books that labor will start with a few minor, basically pain
free contractions and it will intensify to feel like really intense menstrual
cramps. Unless your menstrual cramps resemble being hit by a bus, you are in
for a rude awakening. I remember my
first labor like it was yesterday. I kept worrying that I, for some reason
wouldn’t know I was in labor until it was too late and my baby would be born at
home! Hahahaha, yeah right! Labor hit me
like a ton of bricks! That first contraction hit and I was like HOLY !@#$ I was sure I must be one of those weird women
that just don’t notice early labor and I had to be about ready to deliver.
There was NO WAY I could imagine going through to many more of those. 2 hrs
later when I finally made it to the hospital (thanks again MOM) I was praying
the earth would open up and swallow me. I KNEW I was close, had to be at least
9 cm. No way could those 2 hours of torture have not gotten me there. After anoh so fun exam to see how I had
progressed, I was informed that I was at 2 cm. A FREAKEN 2! If I had been in
less pain, and had more energy, that nurse who smiled so brightly when she announced
that little fun fact, would have been badly beaten! I was in hard labor for 13
hours. Longest 13 hours of my life. It felt like I was being ripped apart from the
inside. I tried it all. The shower, the ball, walking, sitting, standing,
balancing on my head… nothing helped. If anyone says any of those things will
help, they are lying.
5. Right about child number 3, I learned that
those wonderful little things called AN EPIDURAL, that people (who obviously
never had one) tell you to avoid, are like MAGIC! I remember thinking I was an
IDIOT for going all natural with my first 2. It seemed to me, to be right up
there with denying anesthesia when getting a tooth pulled. Sure it won’t kill
you if you don’t use it, but why the hell would you torture yourself like
that?! When I went in to have baby number 4 I started asking for my epidural as
soon as I walked in the door. I wasn’t even in labor yet! I knew what was
coming, might as well be prepared!
6. I
was under the impression, (thanks again lying pregnancy books) that after the
baby is out, you are done. You will be handed a squalling little red faced
miracle, the cord would be cut and life would continue as usual. Oh sure, you
know there is the placenta, and it has to come out, but it seems that it is
grazed over in the pregnancy books. It is like delivering a 2.5 pound boneless
baby. If you are unfortunate enough to have your contractions stall after the
baby comes out, a cheery faced nurse will “gently massage” your stomach until
it is expelled. What that means is they will cause your uterus, which is a
muscle, to basically charley horse causing immense pain through your midsection
while they wait for a few more of those wonderful contractions to push the rest
out. Enjoy
7. Stiches,
never something anyone wants to think about going into your nether regions. ESPECIALLY
if you need them! Your poor Va Jay Jay is so traumatized the last thing you
want is someone spending another 15 minutes down there with a needle and
thread, “patching you up” After my first I was informed that I had a small tear
and they suggested I get 2 stiches. I
thought about it for about half a second and told them to take the needle and
back away slowly. MISTAKE!!! For the next 3 weeks every time I went pee it felt
like LIQUID FIRE! I became one with my peri bottle and I found a whole new use
for preparation H wipes. I found that had I gotten those 2 tiny little stiches,
after about 5 days I would have been fine. Lesson learned.
8.
Of course the first thing they do is try to get
the baby to latch. Breast feeding looks so easy who could imagine doing
anything else?! Professional figure
skaters make triple axels look easy too, have you tried to do one of those
lately? About day 3 I was so engorged I
looked like I was sporting 2 watermelons. They look great but even the
slightest bump to those puppies and you will start swinging. They are painful
to even look at. I remember BEGGING my
infant to just EAT and she seemed to think that was the day she wasn’t really
hungry but wanted to catch up on her sleep. Sadly, I was far too uncomfortable
to join her. Pumping helps a little but not much. You soon reach the point
where your nipples feel like they have been put through a meat grinder. Then
you get to decide “extreme nipple pain or extreme engorgement”. That’s always fun.
I will leave off
with this, although my boobs may now look like deflated balloons that are left
over from a kids birthday party, I have enough stretch marks to resemble a road
map, and I spend way too much time wondering why, Dora, a 4yr old, who is left alone
to wander the town, talking to strangers as she goes, seems to be an appropriate
preschool role model. I wouldn’t change a thing, but ask me again when they are
teenagers.
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